Thank you Thank you! Just by naming the problem and writing about it, you’ve given me some hope, in reminding me that, of course, it isn’t just happening to me, it has happened to others and will continue to happen. This is almost exactly what I am going through right now, and the mystifying thing is how I find myself labelled as “needy” or “insecure attachment style”, when I have never seen my self that way in the past or now in hindsight.
I’ll read the rest of your article, one thing that differs in my experience is that they “don’t need you … until they need you.”. So when you need them (explicitly or tacitly) they aren’t available (“Take care of yourself!”), when they are strong and don’t need you they are all about independence and seem detached (my question has been “Are we dating or in a partnership?”), and when things go downhill for them, either externally or if you push back against their psuedo-independence, then it is all collapse and about “connection” and “depth” and “partnership” and tears, so you have to step up and be there for them, and this doesn’t need to be acknowledged, because after all, they didn’t ask you.