Union of Police Chiefs statement to the press, Washington DC, January 6th 2021

“Police helplessness in the face of heavily armed Antifa who took over the Capitol on December 6th is evidence we need more funding for more weapons and personnel. We were unable to predict the scale of this protest because we saw nothing, nothing about it at all on The FaceBook or The Twitter feeds of all the socialistic, communist, radical left wing BLM domestic terrorists we monitor, we need more funding for domestic counter-terrorism to infiltrate and disrupt BLM, DSA, AOC, the Greens and the Vegans. We also need more funding for facial recognition technology because these left wing, ‘inner-city’ subversives and their misguided unAmerican allies cleverly disguised themselves as honest stand-their-ground-armed suburban patriotic American people exercising their right to peaceful protest, which fooled the Capitol police into letting them through without a challenge.”

When asked how “inner city” people had disguised themselves as patriots, the police Union spokesperson said it was because they “were not wearing masks.”

In a confusing and somewhat contradictory statement, the Police Chiefs commended the cops “for their admirable restraint against peaceful unarmed protestors exercising their Second Amendment rights to free speech legitimately demanding a recount until Trump’s landslide victory is certified by Congress, a pro forma exercise that certain Senators and Representatives were incomprehensibly trying to disrupt in a pathetic attempt doomed to fail.” In defense of the extra $100s of millions the police have reaped for training this year as cities nationwide have responded to “Defund the Police”, the police chief said, “The extra anti-bias and de-escalation training funds we received this year are already showing results, our cops showed no bias whatsoever against the White supremacists, and de-escalated things by asking to take selfies with them with their arms around each others shoulders.”

From Timothy Burke @ Twitter

There was then a small interruption caused by an ‘inner city’ journalist who raised her hand to ask a question. The brave officers in blue shot her 13 times in the back (sorry, I’m back after vomiting from the sight of the body left there to bleed out while the press conference proceeds). The spokesperson asked for calm, “Everybody is safe, nobody got hurt, nothing to worry about.”

The police chief continued, “We dodged a bullet by the skin of our teeth at the Capitol in DC today. But for the bravery of our men in blue, this could easily have been the first time that American police took the lives of unarmed civilians. Never again! We will not let that happen, ever.”

In a final plea for more support and understanding, the Police Union Chief said, “To allow us to continue to do our job as maganificiently and greatly as we have been, please allocate funds for helicopter gunship ammo, it was never replenished after 1985 in Philly and that has been hampering our ability to maintain peace. God Bless!”

I stop to miau to cats.

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